Pushing Myself

This blog is mostly about knitting. However, it is also about my struggles with depression (and the role knitting sometimes plays in those struggles). I am having a rough time right now. My instinct is to not post, not say anything, wait until things get better. But, since one main reason for starting this blog was to challenge myself to actually talk about depression, I am choosing to do just that. I promise there will be some knitting too!

The full reasons behind my current troubles aren’t relevant here, and I can’t go into a ton of detail anyway. The basic gist is that I’m having difficulty at work due to both depression and the recent tragic, unexpected death of a coworker. For the past several days I’ve been having to jump through some pretty serious hoops to try to get things resolved. Two days ago, just before I took my mom to the airport, I got rear ended. The car damage is minimal but I’m having significant pain, and had to go through the process of following up on that. I was coping reasonably well up until the car accident, but that really threw me for a loop. It seems to me like I just can’t catch a break, like I can’t get enough support from my (small) network, and like I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Last night was really hard. I was feeling lonely and hopeless and didn’t have anyone else to turn to. I did something that I am proud of–I reached out to a group on ravelry for people with depression. It wasn’t much, just a post saying I needed more support and didn’t know how to get it. I got a couple of responses with some good advice and some kind words, which really helped. I think that even just posting, just admitting that I was struggling, went a long way to helping me start to feel better.

I wasn’t even feeling interested in knitting. But, I kind of forced myself to cast on for a simple project. I chose the Flying V scarf pattern from Exquisite Little Knits by Iris Schreier & Laurie J. Kimmelstiel. I’ve made many scarves from this pattern and love it. It’s simple but not too boring, versatile, and works well with many different yarns and gauges. I used Knit One, Crochet Too Tartelette from my Goodwill windfall. I was hoping that just going through the motions would help, and I was right. It feels good to be making something from the windfall yarn, and it feels good to be making something I know I will give away. The yarn isn’t really to my taste, but it works well with the pattern and I know someone will like it. So, if someone sees me working on it and admires it, I will know who it should go to. It’s just a low pressure, easy planning, rewarding project. And it is helping.

Thanks for “listening”!

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