Pushing Myself

This blog is mostly about knitting. However, it is also about my struggles with depression (and the role knitting sometimes plays in those struggles). I am having a rough time right now. My instinct is to not post, not say anything, wait until things get better. But, since one main reason for starting this blog was to challenge myself to actually talk about depression, I am choosing to do just that. I promise there will be some knitting too!

The full reasons behind my current troubles aren’t relevant here, and I can’t go into a ton of detail anyway. The basic gist is that I’m having difficulty at work due to both depression and the recent tragic, unexpected death of a coworker. For the past several days I’ve been having to jump through some pretty serious hoops to try to get things resolved. Two days ago, just before I took my mom to the airport, I got rear ended. The car damage is minimal but I’m having significant pain, and had to go through the process of following up on that. I was coping reasonably well up until the car accident, but that really threw me for a loop. It seems to me like I just can’t catch a break, like I can’t get enough support from my (small) network, and like I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Last night was really hard. I was feeling lonely and hopeless and didn’t have anyone else to turn to. I did something that I am proud of–I reached out to a group on ravelry for people with depression. It wasn’t much, just a post saying I needed more support and didn’t know how to get it. I got a couple of responses with some good advice and some kind words, which really helped. I think that even just posting, just admitting that I was struggling, went a long way to helping me start to feel better.

I wasn’t even feeling interested in knitting. But, I kind of forced myself to cast on for a simple project. I chose the Flying V scarf pattern from Exquisite Little Knits by Iris Schreier & Laurie J. Kimmelstiel. I’ve made many scarves from this pattern and love it. It’s simple but not too boring, versatile, and works well with many different yarns and gauges. I used Knit One, Crochet Too Tartelette from my Goodwill windfall. I was hoping that just going through the motions would help, and I was right. It feels good to be making something from the windfall yarn, and it feels good to be making something I know I will give away. The yarn isn’t really to my taste, but it works well with the pattern and I know someone will like it. So, if someone sees me working on it and admires it, I will know who it should go to. It’s just a low pressure, easy planning, rewarding project. And it is helping.

IMG_3707IMG_3708Thanks for “listening”!

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14 comments

  1. Nicole Tavares · August 29, 2015

    I’m glad you’re willing to post about it and to see that you reached out and ravelry peeps helped out. I’m struggling with depression too, and posts like this make me feel like I’m less alone. Thanks for sharing. Good luck with the scarf!

    Liked by 2 people

    • andalexand · August 29, 2015

      Thank you–this was a stretch. I’m glad we both feel a little more connected as a result πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. the desert knitter · August 29, 2015

    That took a lot, to reach out, and to push yourself to do things that will help. I hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • andalexand · August 29, 2015

      Thank you πŸ™‚

      Like

  3. Orange Smoothie · August 30, 2015

    That was very brave of you to reach out to the Rav group! I’m so glad they helped you and that you knew how to take care of yourself during this rough time. You’re doing great. Hang in there and time will help. I do hope you get your physical pain cared for as well. My condolences, too. Keep posting and talking. There are folks who really care about you and enjoy your updates. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • andalexand · August 30, 2015

      Thank you πŸ™‚ I’m working on getting everything followed up on.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Orange Smoothie · August 30, 2015

        Good! Please post when you can (if you feel it appropriate). I want to know you’re on the mend. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • andalexand · August 30, 2015

        Thank you–I am already on the mend!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Orange Smoothie · August 30, 2015

        Awesome! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Maggienesium · August 30, 2015

    Thank you for posting this. I’m kind of in the same boat and didn’t even think to look for a group on Ravelry. Good looking out, and don’t forget your peeps here have your back.
    You’ve inspired me to challenge myself a bit more too – it feels weird and awkward to talk about depression/mental health stuff but I need to get over that πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • andalexand · August 30, 2015

      Yeah, it feels awkward to me to. And hard. But it was ultimately very helpful, even though it felt very risky. The group on Ravelry is called “One Stitch at a Time” if you want to check it out.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Maggienesium · August 30, 2015

        I’m really glad you did, I think you breaking the ice is empowering for other folks/me to talk about it too. I’ll most definitely check out One Stitch At A Time.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. pkcacciola · August 30, 2015

    Know that you have lots of people out here in internet land that love reading your blog πŸ™‚ Big hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • andalexand · August 30, 2015

      Thank you. I’m really glad I posted this–all the support and well wishes I’ve gotten have been really helpful πŸ™‚

      Like

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